It seems the times are a-changin’. Married couples look far more diverse now than 50 years ago. As the nation becomes more racially and ethnically diverse so are married and dating couples. Today, about 15 percent of all newlywed couples are interracial. More interracial relationships are also portrayed on television, in advertisements, and in every other medium genre.
On the surface these trends indicate that the country is more open-minded, inclusive, and great progress has been made. In fact, a Pew survey found that while 72% of black respondents said it would be fine with them if a family member chose to marry someone of another racial or ethnic group, 63% of Hispanics and 61% of whites said the same. Apparently, however, Americans aren’t too accepting of certain types of interracial relationships. The survey also found that acceptance of out-marriages to Caucasians was much higher (81%) than acceptance of out-marriage to Asians (75%), Hispanics (73%), and Blacks (66%).
What I’ve always found interesting, though, is women of all races usually face more criticism than their male counterparts, coming out of left-field—direct and implied—when they choose mates outside their race. There are two different yardsticks being used here, mainly by men who are either resentful and/or territorial. It’s about the most unique aspect of the male nature. Women are to be conquered and men are to be the conqueror. Therefore, it is considered almost disgraceful for a woman to be “conquered” by a man of another race, yet praiseworthy for a man to conquer a woman of another race.
Furthermore, when women date outside their race stereotypes are also more activated because of the intersection between racial discrimination and good old fashion double standards. That’s especially among older men. With all that said, if you’re a woman who has swum in familiar waters so far in terms of dating or marriage, there are a few of things you might be subjected to when you dip your toes into interracial dating that you may not expect.
you MAY BE ACCUSED OF HAVING DISdain For your own race of men
Those who have a hostile ethnocentric bias are often the ones to make the accusation. They believe your choice to date out must be symptomatic of ill feelings you have toward your own race of men.
As we know there are stereotypes surrounding almost all groups of men. As an example, Asian men are feminine-looking and lack masculinity; Latino men are womanizers that cheat; Caucasian men have small popsicles and can’t hump; Black men are misogynistic and convinced marriage is for fools. The list goes on. That is not to say that there are not female swirlers whose choice to date out isn’t rooted in negative stereotypes about the men in their respective racial or ethnic group. But, for the vast majority that’s not the case. Often those who jump to that conclusion do not subscribe to the possibility that women can fall for someone of another race and still maintain a strong sense of pride and connectedness to their own people.
If you decide to address this, you may want to make it clear that who you date is ultimately about your happiness. A healthy interracial relationship is about two people who are attracted to each other that happen to be from different backgrounds, not about disliking your own race of men, or people. The two are certainly not mutually exclusive. Actually, dating out can be a very enlightening and enriching cultural experience. You both get to learn about the cultural nuances of a different group and experience everything first-hand, developing a new understanding and empathy for another race or ethnicity.
YOU MAY HAVE TO DEAL WITH BeinG FETIshized
While dating outside your race can open your eyes to new positive experiences, the flip side is it can also come with a lot of fetishizing and presumptions about your character.
When a man fetishizes you, he closes his eyes to your individuality. Therefore, for me, it’s immediately over from the start if he does. Certainly, a man can acknowledge the fact that you being of a different race is a reality. However, if that is the one and only reason why he’s interested in you, then that’s going to be a problem. That’s because he’s coming into the relationship with fixed notions of who you are going to be. Simply put, he is seeking to attribute your personality to those things, falling for the ideas instead of who you actually are.
When that happens, it’s unbearable and bothersome because you probably won’t fit half (or any) of the stereotypes that all women from your group are supposed to be. And so, when you date a swirler, you may want to ask yourself “What am I to him? Am I someone who he’s really interested in or just a sexual experiment?”
To add, grab your purse and run for the hills if he announces that he only goes out with women from your race. On the face of it, it may seem flattering and a sign that you’re his type. Nevertheless, a man who isn’t attracted to, or interested in, women of his own race probably views himself as a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow for other races of women. As well, typically, he compares you to women of his race, making you believe your personality and looks are several notches above theirs. You have to then ask yourself too, “Does this man have a preference or fetish? And do I really want to spend my time with a man who has to tear down his own women to pay me a compliment?”
YOU MAY FACE “SOft” bigotry that comes with polite society
This may be a little bit more confusing and surprising. Funny enough, upper-class people will rarely ever call you racist names directly to your face. Course words are for the poor and déclassé. However, especially if you’re a woman of color, prepare for a different kind of bigotry.
When you are mixing and mingling, mainly among affluent white people, their anxiety about your interracial relationship can manifest in ways that are patronizing, subtle, or camouflaged as jokes or political views. It’s just a masking of a prejudice. They basically don’t want to see a woman with your skin tone and/or accent with one of their own, particularly if your partner has a high status. Again, this kind of bigotry usually looks and sounds very innocent because it is often accompanied with smiles and pleasantries. Still, beneath all that, if you read into what they’re really saying it’s condescending and framed to bait you into engaging in sensitive negative conversations.
Why be racist or sexist when you can just be quiet?
Responding emotionally to “misguided opinions” can be a minefield. At first returning the fire by saying something or correcting them may seem appropriate. However, experience has taught me that the most effective way to deal with these individuals is to beat them at their game. That is by remaining unruffled and turning your back completely on them. This response is more likely to leave a longer-lasting sting than being outwardly confrontational. If you show that you cannot be goaded, they won’t be so ready to start another “race talk” conversation the next time your paths cross. If they do, they risk being snubbed once more.
Polite racists feed off of getting an immediate rise out of people. It gives them a sense of superiority. Being ignored, on the other hand, is like looking in a mirror and seeing nothing there. It leaves them questioning their self-worth and value. Funny thing is that’s exactly what they were bending over backward, attempting to do to you.